For years, I used a numerical scale to review movies, but now it is time for a new scale. This new scale is simpler, and designed to better assist someone in their decision to see the movie.
An Unpopped Kernel of Corn- Don’t waste your time unless you are seeking to waste your time or under duress. This movie was likely found on Lifetime or after 30 minutes of scrolling on Netflix.
1 Popped Popcorn- This is the movie you seek out, because you’ve heard it’s bad and you want to see just how bad it really is. Likely found after 15 minutes of scrolling on Netflix or random Facebook post lore.
A Handful of Popcorn- This movie likely flopped at the theaters or came straight to streaming. While you enjoy watching the movie and think it’s good, honestly you knows its pretty bad. Think of this as the guilty pleasure category. Movies in this category are often on Netflix under the “Because you Watched . . .” section. If you choose to see a movie like this in theaters, it better be for free, or your partner’s favorite guilty pleasure movie of all time (a la 50 Shades of Grey 2 and 3)
A Bowl of Popcorn- This movie is the great debate in your circle of friends. This movie gets mixed reviews by the hoity toity reviewers (cough cough Rotten Tomatoes). Overall, the movie is good, but is just lacking something that makes you say “that was a great movie and you should see it.” This is the movie you see at matinee times and prices ONLY (along with your contraband snacks). If you paid full price for this movie, you would probably be disappointed in yourself, but still think it’s a good movie.
A Big Box of Fresh Popcorn- This is the movie that you must see in theaters, Netflix, or Hulu. Depending on how good of a movie it is, you might even purchase the overpriced concession snacks that you devour during the 20,000 previews. This movie is typically an Oscar contender or just supremely entertaining. This is a movie you pay full price for (think Night-time/IMAX prices).